"Stanley, that's crazy talk! I mean, do you really think movies are too clichéd?"
Well...
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
Once, there was a man who lived in a small town. Now, this man was nothing special; an average man. An everyday, plain, boring, nothing of a man. For this reason, he was considered an outcast by the more well to do crowd. He didn’t mind, though. He had his loyal pet who understood him, his uncle who had raised him, and his homely home to shelter him. He was satisfied – for the most part. Yet, deep down, he wanted more from life. He wanted something bigger. He wanted to be special.
Well, one day, the man stumbles across an unusual thing, an item of some sort, one with something extraordinary about it. As he marvels over it (rather than listening to common sense and leaving such a strange thing be), he crosses paths with a wizened old guy, one who tells the unlikely hero of a prophecy, in which he is to play a key role in thwarting the evil emperor whose oppression of the people is vague and not really noticeable. The hero is unwilling to jump into this at first. I mean, who would want to listen to some crazy old geezer who likely has mental issues from living in the elements for so long? So, yeah, the hero’s unwilling to leave his ordinary life initially... but – on recalling the bullies and the snide crowd around him – he decides he must leave and face his destiny with his loyal pet at his side. His father figure, the uncle, bids him farewell on his quest (or – if the hero is still indecisive – the uncle will die. That’s the uncle’s sole purpose – motivation via expiration). As he leaves, he is unaware that a youth has accompanied him. This child tags along, and is discovered only after it is far too late to turn back the quest. The child won’t pay an important role later. Actually, they might as well not exist, but here they are, wasting time and text.
The hero and mentor (and that stupid kid) arrive in another world, a landscape unfamiliar to the hero, but where the mentor came from. It is here that the hero meets a maiden who captures his heart on first sight. Her beauty, both inner and outer, sing to the hero and he is hopelessly in love (potentially, the pet reacts to her with hi-lar-ious distrust. Oh, it’s just so funny. Get it? See, the pet is acting like the woman is threatening the relation with its owner, and is acting oddly human at the moment, and oh ho ho – what a rascal! Giggles abound). The lady feels this attraction, too, but – alas – is promised to another man. Y’know, one who actually knows her better than the hero, and one who’s far more likely to be a suitable match for her. Nonetheless, the other man finds out, and with his friends conspires to attack the hero, perhaps rough him up a bit, and teach him a lesson in not being such a shallow woman-stealing creep. As the jerk – or (if you insist) “hero” - is attacked, he’s saved at the last minute by a group of misfits, who befriend him immediately despite it not making a scrap of sense. All of this tripe happens, and the hero’s training to fulfill his prophecy is interwoven throughout (or takes place immediately after). It’s usually in a montage over the course of what you think is a series of days, weeks, and months, but future dialogue reveals is just the past afternoon. Well, crap, I guess the old guy should train more people, right? Heck, if he’s that efficient, they should have a full blown army ready to take on the emperor! Pity the old dude’s senile, I guess, so that’s why he never thought to impart this handily learned-in-a-day fighting style to anyone else around him.
As the hero is on the brink of completing his training, and learning the ultimate secret to it all (something involving that weird item that has been dead weight up until now), an attack! The evil emperor arrives, having caught wind of the hero’s presence. He and his army (and second-hand man who is shrouded in mystery) slaughter the townspeople (because evil), kill the mentor (because eeevil), and kick some kittens on their way out (because eeeeeevil). The hero and his newfound friends barely escape with their lives; the villain can only be competent up to a certain point - remember this.
Feeling upset over his mentor’s overly dramatic death speech and death – and likely concerned that such an easily dispatched “master” might not be the most reliable source of training - the hero finds comfort in the form of the maiden he loves. And just met. Literally earlier that day. They are – in fact – about to kiss, when the young child interrupts in a way meant to be comical but which comes off as more annoying than anything, just like everything this pint sized brat who doesn’t belong in the quest does. As the hero and his friends move on further, his friends pick up on something, some tiny little thing, that the hero had lied about. This lie inexplicably drives a wedge between the hero and his friends, and just in time for the emperor to return, swoop in with his army and right hand man who’s so dark and mysterious, entrap everyone, and steal the magical item the hero has. All this could’ve been avoided if the hero didn’t bother with that stupid item in the first place, but no! Had to stick his nose in it, didn’t he? Well, he’s an idiot. It’s sad, really, that such a simpleton would be shoved into this dire quest because some shroom-licking nutjob thought it would be great. Hope you’re happy wherever you are, gramps.
The hero barely escapes, again, but his friends have all been captured by the villain, who decides to keep them alive for leverage rather than kill them on the spot, in spite of how he didn’t hesitate to slaughter that whole village just yesterday (remember – only as competent as the plot demands).
The hero is now at his lowest low, wandering the barren desert of his soul, lost in misery, and – in all likelihood – stuck in a rainstorm for no good reason beyond “oh em jee, it’s just so sad,” when he hears a voice. Behold! The spirit of his mentor comes to speak to him. We don’t know why this happens. We never get told why it happens. It just does. Don’t think for yourself - just shut up and stop questioning the contrived ball of coincidences that make up this sad plot. The ghost tells him what it was he was missing all along. In fact, this missing piece of his training is eerily similar to a hobby the hero had back in his hometown, one in which he excelled. Gasp! How contrived-... uh, I mean... how convenient! Armed with newfound knowledge, having never questioned his own sanity after such a trippy vision, the hero readies to commence one final battle. He’ll be taking the fight to the emperor’s lair. Now, if we were thinking logically, this fool would die the second he went up to an army, but for some reason ((cough) plot convenience (cough)) he’s a-okay.
As the hero enlists the help of his friends (having freed them from their prison way too easily for such a heavily guarded fortress), the group infiltrates the emperor’s base of operations, seeing his ultimate weapon being constructed with that thingy the hero had earlier (nice job losing it, you utter imbecile). It’s a weapon so powerful that everything hinges on it – should the villain succeed, all will bow to him. Should the villain fail, he’ll be crushed permanently. The villain, as you can tell, is not the brightest of rulers, and – really – it’s a shock his own incompetent financial planning hasn’t been his downfall sooner. Be that as it may, the threat is here and now, so it’s time to showdown.
As the hero moves to face the villain once more, he’s blocked by the villain’s second hand man – that mysterious guy who keeps popping up and not saying much. A fight ensues, and the hero exposes the second hand man as a long lost twin brother (or father, or cousin, or clone). United by this familial bond for plot convenience (let’s be honest – you’ve already been suckered out of your money by buying this story, so the writer isn’t going to even bother covering that up at this point), they decide to face the villain. As the hero’s friends all hold off the emperor’s hordes, the villain and hero square off. The hero’s long lost family member dies in the process, there’s some tears (we don’t know why), and the fight continues because the villain was too stupid to gun down our idiot while he was weeping.
In the ensuing fight, the hero realizes what must be done to ensure victory. Using all of his training, especially the final piece he was missing when he first fought the villain (remember: hometown hobby = masterful art of war. Break out the horseshoes), the hero destroys the weapon, sacrificing himself in the process and also damning the entire economy to a depression-styled Hell.
As the dust settles (for the villain’s lair had crumbled to ash in the chaos), the hero’s friends rush to him, finding his body limp. The maiden pleads with the heavens to spare her hero, and she kisses him, crying and mourning. But he doesn’t come back, because the writers know life’s not like that. All signs point to his death in a violent collapse as the building fell around him and after he barely escaped a ruthless fight in which he threw himself in harm’s way to shut down the big bad war machine. So, really, it’s unfortunately naieve to think the hero could survive that, and you should all stop holding out for what will only be disappointment...
Oh, wait, this is one of those stories! How silly of me to forget that this whole machine runs on convenience, not depth.
At this moment, the hero says something witty, and revives, revealing his death to not have happened. He was just being a jerkwad is all, trying to fake them out. Oh, that clown! Ha ha ha, how funny! Faking your own death. Heheheh, what a card, am I right?
The celebration is immediate and joyous, and everyone’s spirits are lifted after escaping the vaguely worded oppression of the empire once and for all. The hero and his friends form a family, and live together happily ever after, having earned the respect of all.
The end. Lights out. See ya next time, when we do this whole show all over again in every other story ever told.
Yeah, sometimes films deviate from this plot, but - for the most part - this is the crap you get. :B
One thing I'll guarantee you: IZ:TDM!'s plot doesn't even remotely resemble that abomination above!
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